Noticing Dysregulation in my Relationships
Keeping my composure is hardest when I become 'dysregulated.' Look for ways to be less dysregulated. Think about developing this and other skills. Whether I'm working on relationship skill development or I struggle.
Break these ideas down into chunks. "Breaking down the idea of looking ahead into anticipating, choosing your future self, preparing, celebrating, adapting, and experimenting makes more sense to me than treating it as one big lump," said Sacha. These sub-skills can be the starting points for exploration here on the blog.
Tolerating my discomfort is something I'd not considered maturely. This is a way to be conscious of my dysregulation. Dysregulation is uncomfortable. Staying with the uncomfortable is a Stoic and mindful practice. Being uncomfortable should trigger a mindful moment, but instead, I spiral into relationship hell because I dysregulate.
How do I make things better next time? This can be applied in both positive and negative situations. In both comfortable and uncomfortable situations. Don't blame myself or others. This will not help me move forward.
From James Reason's ~Swiss Cheese model of human errors~:
The basic premise in the system approach is that humans are fallible and errors are to be expected, even in the best organisations. Errors are seen as consequences rather than causes, having their origins not so much in the perversity of human nature as in “upstream” systemic factors. … When an adverse event occurs, the important issue is not who blundered, but how and why the defences failed. By reframing this and focusing on relationships, I see dysfunctionality in relationships as a consequence of upstream factors and a failure to notice the dysregulation in the situation. Failures in relationships are learning opportunities for a curious and welcoming position if I can weather the storm of the monkey mind as it dysregulates my awareness.
Link:
Learning more about looking ahead together :: Sacha Chua